


Cactus Cactus

by Ceileice



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Cactus is Life, Cactus is Love, Gon Loves Cactus, Other, cactus, cactus juice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-17
Updated: 2015-07-17
Packaged: 2018-04-09 18:13:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4359233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ceileice/pseuds/Ceileice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gon Freeccs really needs a social life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cactus Cactus

**Author's Note:**

> more crack, baby

Gon had always been fascinated with cacti.

He owned several small potted cacti, drank cactus juice on a daily basis, wore clothes made from 100% cactus (explains the green amirite???), constantly yelled "Cactus!", and all of his friends were cacti.

Except Killua.

Well, there was a cactus Killua.

He put a cloud above the cactus because, well... Yeah.

"Gon, this obsession needs to stop." Killua said as he entered Gon's home. The sight was horrifying.

Cactus paintings, cactus carpets, cactus sofas, cactus TVs, cactus EVERYTHING!

Killua couldn't even find Gon.

"Gon?"

And then Gon tumbled down the stairs (which were carpeted with cactus prints), in his usual green cactus attire.

He had spines though, this time.

"Killua!" Gon exclaimed, "Come, I need to introduce you to my new friends!"

Dear god, Killua thought, there were MORE cacti?

Every day (or atleast every day Killua went to Gon's house; You see, he started to distance himself some), Killua would be introduced to a new cactus or new cacti. Gon's 'friends.'

Killua started to wonder if he was still considered a friend to Gon with all his cactus madness going on. But then again, he was there wasn't he?

"Um... Gon. They're just-"

"Killua, come on! There's also something else I have to show you!" Gon urged his friend to join him.

Killua sighed and gave in.

This is the last time I'll allow myself to be introduced to a cactus.... or cacti, he thought.

Killua placed his hands in his shorts pockets and followed Gon upstairs. Along the stairs there were shelves with... Cacti.

Killua did his best to avoid getting poked by the spines, even though Gon reassured him that his 'friends' would never hurt him.

Killua groaned.

Eventually he was led to a room where, to no surprise, there were MORE cacti.

Did Gon even have a bed at this point?

NO.

HE SACRIFICED IT FOR THE CACTI.

Well, actually, it might not have been Gon's bedroom.

Whatever.

"Look, everyone! It's Killua!" Gon said as he introduced his friend to the cacti Killua swore he 'met' a thousand times already.

"Gon... This is..." Killua started.

"OH, sorry! I didn't mean you, Cactus Killua." Gon said as he apologetically patted the retarded cactus with the cloud above its 'head.'

Killua held back his urge to vomit.

What the fuck, Gon.

"So... You wanted to introduce me to *which* cactus in specific?" Killua asked, trying not to sound annoyed (though it didn't help cause he did anyway).

"Well, you see... I sort of lied," Gon said, "You know all of my friends, so I'm instead introducing you to somebody else."

"Uh....." Killua said. This was going to be bad.

He gulped.

"My lover!" Gon exclaimed!

Killua fell over.

Oh well, there went his chance of ever dating Gon.

Yes, he did like Gon. Even if he was a fucking cactus freak.

Gon showed him a ridiculous cactus wearing a veil, as if the stupid potted plant got married or something.

"You married that?" Killua asked.

"Not yet. But now that you mention it, the ceremony shall go on!" Gon exclaimed.

Fucking what.

Gon invited him to a wedding between him and a cactus?

...

...

"Uh... Gon, I actually just wanted to stop by and say 'Hi!', right now my skateboard is in the shop and I need to pick it u-"

"Nonsense, Killua. You can stay for the wedding. It'll only last a few hours!" Gon chirped happily.

A few hours?

A FEW HOURS?

LIKE KILLUA HAD TIME TO WASTE!

I have to get the hell out of here, Killua thought.

But how?

Surrounding him was dozens and DOZENS of cacti.

And Cactus Killua, how he HATED Cactus Killua.

It was as if Gon replaced him -- a perfect human being (Killua is kind of a narcissist...) -- with a SHITTY CACTUS!

Killua cringed.

Then Gon picked up his cactus bride and said, "Killua, I want you to meet my wife. Her name is-"

"GON!!!!" Killua interrupted.

"Her name is-"

Killua quickly dashed through the sea of cacti and ran for the stairs. He couldn't stay there - oh no, no, no! He had to get the FUCK out of there.

But Gon's 'friends' were everywhere, and Killua could swear they were eyeing him, contacting Gon, telling him that he was running off...

Or that was all in his head.

"Killua, wait! ... No, not you Cactus Killua."

Killua could hear Gon calling for him.

Sorry Gon, he thought. He just couldn't stay for the wedding.

Killua hopped down the stairs, accidentally knocking down a potted plant and getting poked in the process.

"Ouch!" he said.

He was going to pull the spine out until he heard footsteps coming to him.

"Fuck!" he exclaimed as he rolled onto one of the cactus printed carpets and towards the doorway.

"Killua, where are you going? The ceremony didn't start yet!" Gon exclaimed, searching for his friend.

Killua screamed and forced the door open, then ran for the hills - for his LIFE!

...

...

...

Killua was at the skateboard shop.

Well, it sold bikes too, but for the sake of his skateboard its the skateboard shop.

His 'board was finished being repaired.

Well it really needed a new paint job, but whatever.

Killua had been trying to forget all that had happened today.

Gon's 'friends,' his obsession with cacti, the wedding, the fact that his 'bride' was a cactus.

It was all giving Killua a headache.

As he stopped by somewhere to buy junk food (candy galore), he felt like he was being watched by someone. By something.

He wondered if it was his brother.

"Ah, whatever. That pest really ought to stop bothering me..." Killua said to himself.

It felt like he was losing his friend anyway... To some cacti.

Killua cried on the inside.

So Killua spent his day mourning over the loss of Gon Freecss -- his soul was pretty much dead now.

And Killua realized how much he really hated cacti. They stole his babyboo.

So Killua came up with a brilliant plan.

"Get rid of all the cacti. Preferably, 'kill' them." he whispered to himself.

So once Gon left out to do whatever he does outside his hellhole of a house (Killua isn't sure), he snuck in.

It was dark.

Oh boy, there were really no lights on.

Killua used a cigarette lighter to provide an artificial light.

It wasn't much, but it would do.

He then collected all of Gon's little potted friends in a trash bag (though since they had spines, those managed to poke through). They were trash, after all.

With that said and done, he dragged the bag all the way out to Meteor City.

And he threw it in a pile of other junk.

And he left it there.

"Farewell." he said before leaving. He was glad to have finally disposed of the cacti that had been bothering him.

He felt like he had accomplished something.

"Good night."

...

The next day, Killua showed up at Gon's house in the greatest mood ever.

"Hey, Gon!" he yelled as he stepped in the house.

The cactus carpets and everything were still there and all, but it wasn't like Gon had time to get rid of them yet.

Yet.

Killua noticed there was no response.

"Oh, he's probably mourning over his lost cacti." he said to himself before shrugging and heading upstairs.

No cacti on shelves to poke him today!

But... 

What he saw upstairs...

Was...

"Hi, Killua! ... No, not you, Cactus Killua!"

There were cacti.

It was all of them.

The ones he was sure he had disposed of the night before.

Even stupid Cactus Killua.

"...What?" Killua said aloud, more to himself than ever.

"Killua, since you didn't attend the ceremony yesterday, we decided to reschedule to today instead!" Gon said happily.

"What...?"

"Aren't you glad, Killua? You'll get to see our wedding today!" Gon was still talking.

"What...?"

"Killua?" Now Gon noticed his friend's sudden behavior.

"Uh, oh. It's nothing." Killua tried to sound normal, "Yeah, let's uh.. Get this wedding thing over with."

Oh god. He was actually going to stay for the wedding. He just said so.

More importantly, WHY,

WHY were those god-damn cacti still there?

He was sure he had disposed of all of them.

All of them.

It wasn't in a dream. Hell, he was pricked a few times!

But he stayed for the wedding.

And it was just plain nasty.

Gon and a cactus named Caca.

It was a 'male' cactus (even though Gon had referred to it as a 'she' the day before).

Okay, Gon.

...

After the wedding, Killua was terrified. He actually stayed and watched the entire thing.

Gon kissed that thing -- HOW??

...Killua's mind blurred.

"I want to die." he whispered to himself.

He was part of the audience with everyone else being cacti.

Everything was cacti.

Killua was convinced at some point that even HE was a cacti.

And right behind him was that piece of shit Cactus Killua.

"Thanks for joining, everyone!" Gon exclaimed as he carried his bride.

Groom.

Whatever...

He was even wearing a cactus-green tux.

FUCK!

...

Once Gon 'forced' nearly everyone out of the room (literally pushing them by the pot, they're potted plants), he sat down next to a deeply disturbed Killua who looked like he had seen hell.

He had.

"Did you enjoy the wedding?" Gon asked his poor friend.

Killua nodded? He shook his head? He wasn't sure what he was doing.

"That's great!" Gon exclaimed.

Killua noticed only Gon, himself, Caca (what the fuck..), and Cactus Killua were in the room.

But why was Cactus Killua still there? To annoy him just with his presence? His ugly little 'face'?

Killua wasn't sure.

"Um... Yeah... Gon, I think I'll be taking my leave now...." Killua said. Even to his own ears he sounded disturbed.

Deeply.

"Oh, you aren't going to stay for food?" Gon asked.

"No thanks.." Killua wasn't interested in cactus juice or whatever food Gon somehow survived off of, anyway.

He stood up and walked back downstairs.

And to the exit he went.

He passed by lots of cacti -- lots of cacti he thought he disposed of...

Why...? he thought.

And that's when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"By the way," It was Gon, "I'm aware of what happened last night."

"Cactus Killua told me everything."

Because that night, Killua had completely forgotten to dispose of Cactus Killua -- he was in a hurry because he had heard Gon opening the front door (and he had to escape through the back door).

Killua gasped, and in the corner of his right eye, he could SWEAR;

Cactus Killua was there, and watching him.

...

"Cactus is love, cactus is life. Screw Shrek." - Ging Freecss, 2021.

The End.

**Author's Note:**

> "An inspirational piece of literature" - Yorknew Times


End file.
